After trying out several clever titles, I decided on THAT one.
It's true, though. MY IDENTITY WAS STOLEN. If it's never happened to you, well, step into my shoes for a minute. It's scary and it sucks. In my case, only one account has been compromised. All the other accounts are being closely monitored. While this is considered identity theft according to the people I've had to deal with recently, it's more like Account Number theft for me.
Here's some resources I've found helpful:
The FTC's ID Theft Website
The Identity Theft Victim's Kit
Overwhelmingly, the most frustrating thing is that the same incompetent customer service representatives who can't ever help and have to transfer you to to endless departments are the EXACT SAME PEOPLE working in the "Fraud Alert" departments. I've spoken to three different people at the bank in question, and every one told me something slightly different. Whatever. I've got so many people working on this now I'll just clog the system until it's resolved.
BTW, they said my card was most likely skimmed at a restaurant or something. Everything has been consistant with that sort of fraud. So, my advice is to pay cash at restaurants and watch retailers like a hawk.